I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
