Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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