You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
