Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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