i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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