Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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