dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
