i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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