i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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