I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
