My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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