Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
