dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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