this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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