i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
