I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
