Someone shit on the floor
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
