Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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