i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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