Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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