I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
