i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
