Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
