last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
