I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
