just tell him i said nine months
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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