you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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