I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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