dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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