flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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