i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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