I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
