i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
