No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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