Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Who wears a wallet chain?!
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
