We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
