Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
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I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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