Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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