guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
