i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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