It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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