If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
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I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
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I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
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