Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
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