I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
