Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
