Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Are we still banned from the library?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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