It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
