did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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