Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
