I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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