Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
