i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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