i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
