Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
