Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
