Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
