Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
