why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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