I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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