I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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