nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
