If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
