Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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