You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
