Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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