hotel room ftw
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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